Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
