A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
