K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
