I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
