i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
