i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
