I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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