there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
