I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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