I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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