bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dick has a subreddit
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
