I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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