i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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