I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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