did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
