Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
