So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
