you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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