I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
