oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
