i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize