some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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