I think I won the penis lottery.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
