the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize