i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
