On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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