Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
