Fine. I'll sleep in my office
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
