I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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