I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
