I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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