I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He passed out mid-signature
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
