Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
