one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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