if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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