My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I made him laugh his dick is mine
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
