Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
