I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
it's not cheating when I paid for it
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
