i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
