you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
