my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
either way he was missing a nipple.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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