i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I will pee on everything he values.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
