It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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