If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
