It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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