You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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