This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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