if you like me you must not know who I am
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
