I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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