I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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