he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
