funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
