So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize