Please don't use social media to get back at me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
