Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
