i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
