It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize