anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
