Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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