remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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