In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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