you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
